“Choices”

By

Gerry Niskern

A few years ago I attended a memorial service in a train station for a member of our family.   Days later I watched mourners spread ashes on a mountaintop of another state.  Guitars played the deceased woman’s favorite songs. Last week, more laughter than tears flowed in church during a slide show.  A man’s widow honored him by showing images of their family outings.

When we lose someone close and know life will never be the same, we are immediately faced with decisions about a memorial service.

There’s no question that there are more choices of locations and rituals today than ever before.  Of course, the many ethnic groups in our country have strict traditional practices and the various branches of our armed forces perform customary procedures to honor the war dead; but Middle America is changing rapidly.

Advertising is bringing the subject of death out of taboo and into the mainstream. Cremation is becoming common place. It’s advertised on the obituary page. Today you can pull up a web site selling caskets at bargain prices.

Today the traditional funeral bill runs around seven thousand dollars. No doubt, a real hardship for some families. If a family doesn’t choose to follow the old rituals, it’s not mandatory. It’s been said the traditional funeral needlessly prolongs the grieving, but others disagree, insisting that the familiar rituals give comfort and closure.

Over time, it seems we’ve gone from home to commercial mortuary and back again to familiar settings. When I was a child, in our little town, the deceased was usually kept at home in the living room. If the family decided to use the parlor of the local funeral home, some of my Aunts could always be heard whispering,” She doesn’t think enough of him to have the ‘laying-out” at home; afraid all the people tracking in will get the house dirty.”

There are other changes taking place. At memorials today you will see childhood, graduation and wedding pictures.   Reminders of the loved one’s profession and hobbies are on display and they help paint a warm personal picture.

It has also become routine for the person leading the service to ask if anyone would like to say a few words about the deceased.  Sometimes many stand up and speak. At other times, the friends and family remain silent. You can feel the tension because you know there are a million fond memories the survivors would like to share, but something holds them back. It’s very hard and because they are afraid they might break down, they remain silent.  Mourners often choose silence because they are seeking an understanding of their loss.  They’re thinking,  “How can anyone sum up this person in a few sentences? Impossible!”

The silence doesn’t last long. Back home, while they share a meal together, they share stories. Their words tumble over each others, recalling the old family tales. Favorite escapades of the deceased bring laughter as well as tears.

The memorial in the old train station- turned- restaurant I mentioned earlier was a tribute to my brother-in-law who was a train buff. He built narrow gauge train models as a child. Most of his adult career was spent designing toy trains for the Cox Toy Company.  His wife spoke to us as the trains passed silently behind her. She told us that her husband had two great loves in his life, her and trains. She confided, “I’m just not sure who came first.”

As it becomes common for families to take charge and participate in the memorial for their loved ones, it will become easier. It’s heart warming to see children participating more and more because then we know that generations to come will carry on the new tradition, the tradition of choices.