“How will you spend Memorial Day?”

By

Gerry Niskern

War memorials have been much on the mind of Arizona citizens recently. Memorial Day is coming up and although there are many versions of how it started, the fact is the day has always been set aside for honoring our dead. In other words, a day of memories.

There will be flourishes and speeches at Wesley Bolin plaza. Then what?  Will you visit it? A better question would be have you been to view the large group of memorials on the state capitol grounds recently, or ever? Let me give you a descriptive tour.

At this time of year, early morning is a good time to visit. The tree-lined walk circling the plaza is tranquil. Birds are singing. Interestingly enough, the first monument I came to really summed it up. “The nation that forgets it’s past has no future.” Those words were inscribed on the monument for Arizona Confederate troops. Another honored Jewish War Veterans. WWI veterans were similarly honored.

The figure of a pioneer woman caught my eye further on. According to the inscription, way before 1875 hundreds of heroic women came to the Arizona territory to teach school and one was the publisher of the first newspaper. Imagine that!

Across the way, I passed the monument to the 158^th Regimental Combat team, known as “The Bushmasters”. Beyond that an impressive larger than life statue of Father Kino astride a horse told of his part of Arizona’s history.

Up a curved walkway lined with American flags to the Vietnam Memorial. At the top, three flag poles. The Vietnamese community of Arizona donated the one flying the Vietnam flag as a thank you. Here in a circle were slabs of black granite engraved with the names of the men and women who gave their lives during the Vietnam War.

There is a memorial for the often forgotten Arizona peace officers killed in the line of duty.

Another quote that I found interesting was on one of many statements made by GIs who had taken advantage of the GI Bill which provided a college education. One man stated, “There are two epochs in one’s life, one is before the war…and one is after”.

Next the path leads through a graceful archway to the eight-sided Pagoda with a gently curved black tile roof of the Korean War memorial. A dragon crouches atop an impressive bell hanging from the center. A gentle knock on the tell brings forth a mellow, haunting note that carries over this place of memories. I found three former schoolmates names engraved here.

Further east is the flags winking atop the Signal Mast of the battle ship the USS Arizona that was sunk at Pearl Harbor. Then on over the huge anchor which is permanently loaned to the state by the U. S. government.

Over in front of the Capitol building is the memorial for Frank Luke Jr. He was the first Arizona man awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, posthumously. My friends and I used at his handsome face on our way to school. The young Army Air Force flyer was just twenty when he gave his life in battle.

Best of all is the tangible monument that I see each dawn. The siluolette rises majestically in front of a pink and silver sky. In the evening the mountain comes alive with shades of red in the sunset. It’s name, Piestawa Peak.

MEMORIAL DAY

By

Gerry Niskern

Memorial Day! For most kids Memorial Day means a fun filled break from school, lessons and the daily routine. Perhaps they’ll  attend a family outing at the lake or invite friends over for a swim and barbecue.

Sure, they might see a few spots on television reminding the public of special ceremonies planned around the valley to honor the American soldiers killed in one of our country’s wars.  Usually, only the men lost in battle are mentioned.  I don’t know why, but in recent years the meaning of this special day to honor all the dead is not acknowledged.

Actually, memorial comes from memory; to remember or recall. When I was a child it was called Decoration Day. Our family had fun on that special day too, but first we started the day by decorating the graves of loved ones in the family.  We kids pulled weeds while our parents clipped overgrown grass around the family plots.

After our work was finished, we walked with Mom among the headstones in the cemetery. She treated us to a running commentary about those relatives who had passed on. She told us stories about grandparents, aunts, and uncles. We learned who had been honest, hard working, law abiding, and who hadn’t. Her stories conveyed clearly who was respected and why.

The tradition we celebrated on those outings had the added benefit of giving us a feeling of security. Of course, we didn’t realize it at the time, but our sense of self respect was being honed, as we understood, perhaps subconsciously, someone would be telling our stories some day. The continuity of the tradition of decorating the graves conveyed a sense of accountability.

In recent years I’ve attended funeral services at Greenacres Cemetery in Scottsdale and Resthaven in Glendale. Lately, I sensed that something was missing at these gatherings. Then I realized what it was. Children.  There is generally a noticeable lack of children at these gatherings. Babies, yes, but then, babies don’t ask the tough questions, do they?

I’ve heard parents say, “I wouldn’t dream of bring my child to a funeral.” The majority of children are sheltered from the reality of death, but they are allowed to watch movies depicting death and destruction. Most kids are permitted to play video games that include violence and killing. But, ironically death is not  included as part of  real life.

One of my earliest memories as a toddler is of being held in my mother’s arms. She was standing in my grandmother’s living room beside her father’s coffin and crying.

A few years later, around age seven, at a funeral I bid goodbye to a favorite aunt, a young mother who died at age thirty. I had to be consoled and tears wiped away, when I saw the grief stricken face of her husband, my uncle. Hard lessons? Perhaps.

Why not consider a family session this Memorial Day to remember and honor the dead. Is there someone’s grave you need to visit? Take the kids with you. Let them place the flowers that commemorate and show respect for your loved ones.  Yes, you’ll get questions. You will also have a wonderful opportunity to tell some family stories about the kinds of lives the departed once lived.

If you family hasn’t been in the valley long and you haven’t a cemetery to visit, get out the old photo albums. Set aside a special time this Memorial Day weekend and go through the pictures together. Tell your child what kind of man Grandpa was, what kind of work he did, where he worshipped. Did he go to college; did he work his way through? Who looks like him? Who has his nose?   How did Grandma dress when she was their age? What games did she play? When she married, was it hard raising a family back then?

Ask the question, do you remember…? Along with their answers, you will get a flood of their questions. Most kids are just waiting for someone to start the dialogue. The time you spend together remembering the ones who have gone before us can be valuable lessons between right and wrong. The importance of choices that were made in the past. Who is respected in the family and who isn’t?

As you use your time to connect with the past and include death as part of the reality of life, you’ll be observing Memorial Day as it was always intended.

And yes,  get ready to answer some tough questions

“Mom would love a letter”

by

Gerry Niskern

Have you bought your Mother’s Day card yet?  Are there special things you’ve always wanted to tell her, but none of the cards seem to say it just right?

That’s because the mothers we see on greeting cards with the saintly smiles are perfect, but are they really mom? It’s through mom and the comfort of home that we learn to trust others and life itself. Mother is the twine that holds the family together. And yet often she is a mysterious set of contradictions. It’s hard to sort out your feelings for her: annoyance, anger, companionship, apprehension and yes,  love.

Frustrating, isn’t it? I have a novel idea for you. Forget the fancy cards this year and instead, write your mother a letter!

I know. You probably haven’t written a personal letter since letter writing class  in fourth grade English. Besides, if you are like most adult children in this electronic age, you always phone, text message, or get online for a chat.

I’m not suggesting a gushy, cloying type of correspondence that will embarrass both you and her…just a few lines of remembering. It doesn’t have to be hand written. If your handwriting is as bad as mine, computer generated is fine if that’s more readable. But put it in an envelope and mail it. It doesn’t matter if she lives here and you’ll probably be seeing her on Mother’s Day or miles away. Everyone, especially moms, likes to get a personal letter in the mail.

One year, while living in another state, when I couldn’t get home for Mother’s Day, I decided to send my mother what I call an “I remember” letter.

“Mom,” my letter began, “Lately, I’ve been remembering the time you spent showing me how to gently lift the baby chicks out of the incubator and trusted me to do it. And how you taught me how to carefully pick the raspberries and helped us set up a roadside stand and helped celebrate each sale. Remember how I rode on your back sledding in the winter? And how you let me cook anything I wanted and encouraged me to be creative ?”

As I penned that letter, I realized that what I was remembering was really about a commodity we call time. I continued writing, “Also the time you spent brushing and braiding my hair, making Halloween costumes, and  sitting on the porch swing and talking together.”

It’s really so simple yet difficult. Mothers need to care enough to spend that precious time that no one seems to have enough of these days. Time to pay attention, Time to talk. Time to just sit together and do nothing.

It doesn’t matter if your mom was biological, adoptive, step, grand, foster or single. If she spent time with you then, take some time now and tell her what you remember.