Ask the Kids
By
Gerry Niskern
NOTE: In my Memoir Writing Workshop this week we wrote about how our personalities had changed since childhood. Lots of interesting essays. Here’s mine.

I was almost three when my dad lifted me up to stand beside the pulpit of our church and announced, “Gerry is going to recite the Methodist’s Creed.” And I did!
I wasn’t shy because that wasn’t the only time I was encouraged to recite from memory. My uncles in my mother’s family were all coal miners and they delighted in standing me on a chair when my Republic dad came to pick me up and getting me to shout “ Yea, Roosevelt!” or “Vote FDR”, back in l935.
Then for some reason, I became extremely, painfully shy the rest of my childhood. Even thru high school, I remember taking a lower grade in classes that required giving a report in front of the class. I worked hard to overcome that personality trait. Even as a stay-at-mom I volunteered to give the program in organizations I joined, even though I dreaded it. I pushed myself to overcome the trait.
Eventually I took some drawing classes and also became interested in painting. I concentrated on design and composition in watercolor and created unusually large pieces. I worked hard building a successful career dealing with gallery owners. After many one -man shows and Art Expos I realized I had dropped the shyness somewhere along the way. Of course, many experiences over the years as a mother had helped, but I’m sure it was the personal achievements in the art world that boosted my self- esteem.
As I wrote this chapter and tried to pin point the changes in my personality I realized something. I would ask the people who knew me best, my kids. I asked them to tell me in a sentence or two what change they had noticed in my personality over the years.
My younger son said, “That’s easy. You became more liberal.”
My older son said, “ You haven’t changed. You’ve just become more of what you were.”
Then I asked my daughter, the oldest, to give me a comment or two. She said, “Oh, you’ve changed so many times.” She said she would get back to me. As time was getting short to write something I reminded her a couple of times and she finally said, “I don’t think I have 400 words but here goes. I think you were born to be a mom. When I was younger I didn’t think so, but now I know you really were. Then when you started selling your paintings I saw a big change in how you acted. You were so assertive!”
When I asked her why she wrote 400 words, she said she thought she was supposed to, like my writing group. We had the best laugh we’ve had together in a long time over that mistake!
But this oldest child, a woman, had been paying attention over the years. She went on to say “I remember one change, after you began writing your column for the Arizona Republic. You came home one day, got out of the car and marched over to the For Sale sign in our yard, yanked it out and flung it into the garbage can. Then you announced, ‘We are not moving anymore.’
Dad didn’t know what hit him!” she laughed.
Little girls always pay more attention to the family dynamics.

“Make your Ethical Will now!”

By

Gerry Niskern

We’ve just celebrated the beginning of a new year and our country is getting ready to swear in a new president.
What better time to stop and consider the ethics and morals that your family has always believed in and practiced

HAVE YOU MADE YOUR ETHICAL WILL YET?

Actually, ethical wills have been around for a long time, but are becoming more popular. The Hebrew Bible first described ethical wills 3000 years ago. References to this tradition are also found in the Christian Bible and in other cultures, including Islam.
Ethical wills are a way to share your values, not just your valuables. You can communicate your hopes and dreams for the future generations of your family. Your morals, regrets and yes, your opinions, are included. . The wills are usually written by people at a turning point in their lives. Such as when they are facing challenges or transition periods.
It is not a legal document; rather it is a record of your nonrepresentational wealth. Although parents would like to see their children financially provided for, they also would like to leave some philosophical provisions as well. After all, what else can we give our children but who we are?
Of course, I’m sure you are thinking, as I am, of the many phrases uttered by parents or grandparents you heard while growing up. One of my mother’s favorites comes to mind, “Be kind and respectful to the elderly; life is hard”. When I would argue, “But Mom, what if they are not nice to me”, she always replied, “That doesn’t matter, we still respect the old.”
Or perhaps one of my grandmother’s admonishments, “Don’t go where you no belong”. Her command of English was not good, but her advice still serves a purpose in our family. These samples are not exactly an ethical will, but certainly the makings of one.
Writing an ethical will does not require enormous learning or wisdom. It’s what you have to give. Every will is as unique as the person writing it, but there are common themes. Personal values are important to mention, as well as “life lessons learned.” Families are mentioned again and again in the samples I’ve read. “ Take care of the family, value the family, and even instructions on how to maintain the goodness of the family.”
Some people may have trouble creating their ethical wills. Here are four suggestions. The first is to make a list and use an outline. There are both software and books that can provide these outlines and resources.
Second, you might write down your thoughts and opinions, knowledge and insight you learned from significant people in your life.
Third, start keeping a journal, over a period of time, themes will emerge that you can use in drafting your ethical will.
The fourth involves getting professional help. An experienced writer can help you express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in writing. For a modest fee, they can explore your values and opinions with you and provide a document for your approval.
Many newlyweds sit down and share their values in ethical wills. It doesn’t matter whether you are an engaged couple, new parents, divorcing, empty nesters, or end of lifers; there’s no time like the present. Not everyone can pass along a financial legacy, but everybody can transmit some of the richness of life by creating an ethical will. You have lived and learned and have feelings to pass on. Just be yourself. Open your heart and write.
It will be a gift that your family will cherish.